I stand before the ostentatiously jeweled gates of Drandsmiore,
The frigid mountain air sweeps down and howls in sweet jubilation
as if powered by the souls of those who once accompanied me.
I breathe slowly.
My body aches from my previous battle with the Cyclops of Eyron,
its blood still fresh and dripping from my Sword of Disparage.
I journeyed through it’s dungeon to find the Jeweled key, which was attached to the Diamond Skull Armour in which I am wearing now.
Even though I lost my fateful companion, Travis, in the Plains of Exasperation to the wicked flying demoness spawned, Aerophineas I eradicated it and erected a Mound of Prayer to grieve Travis’ loss.
I battled my way through The Cavern of the Verbose and harangued the Verbinator to deaf to retrieve–
“Wait, you harangued the Verbinator to deaf? Dude, what the fuck?”
The Dungeon Master, Peterominous, (Peter, to the uninitiated) interrupts my heroic speech, per usual.
“Define harangued or it shall be struck’en from the Book of Records, you plebian!”
Bastard… He knows my weakness is word knowledge…
-Harangue means to strike down egregiously with your tongue!-
My plus 19 Pendant of Eternal Wisdom must have aided me because Peterominous thinks for a second and nods, allowing the word.
“Just hurry up, dude. You know Travis has work at 9. You have to roll a 6 in order to break through the Jeweled Gate of Drandsmiore and recapture the captured princess of Seitnap… Tee hee.”
I expel a primal roar as I thrust the Jeweled key into the gate’s orifice.
The tremendous force behind the penetrating key shatters it and the explosion of color momentarily paints the frozen air.
Jades mixing with azures, mixing with ruby, mixing with mauve, mixing with brown. And orange.
Though the key shatters I feel the sudden urge to attack the wall with my mighty sword!
Attack! (with twenty-sided die)
I rolled an eleven so I bash the gate eleven times.
Strike it thrice.
I slice at the gate.
“Dude, mathematically, you should have hit 6 at least four times accidentally by now.”
Peterominous is right. No matter how much time passes by, I will continue to strike the gate!
Though my hand is bloodied and my wrist aches like a chronic masturba… master of.. Masters, I will continue to attempt to get in!
God damn it.
HOLY SHIT! The gate finally opens!
I rush inside with a newfound vigor!
“You lose. The recaptured princess is already dead. She’s been dead for over an hour now. You took too long, plebian. Travis is late for work and I must accompany him so I can ask his boss for a job.”
I fall to the ground. My beloved recaptured princess of Seitnap, felled by the unluckiness of my throwing hand. And that bastard Peter…