Tears I Cannot Shed

These are the tears that I cannot shed. I feel them well up inside,

I feel the rush up my gut into my throat and to my face.

I feel them get right to the bottom of my eyes.

My heart sinks and my stomach turns uneasily.

The façade of a smile on my face fights to stay in place.

I muster, to the best of my ability,

A laugh.

But instead a sigh from deep within me explodes out.

I can feel the resistance built up over the years begin to crinkle.

My head begins to shake and my throat muscles tighten to the point where I cannot breathe.

I fight for air under the blanket of deep disparity that’s tagged along for years.

I reach for my chest and ball my fist,

I try to control my breathing but the demons inside also fight for dominance.

My mind gets bogged down in thoughts and memories of what should have been

And how things could have gone.

I think about all the times I didn’t care and all the fucks I could have given.

I shake my head.

The thoughts won’t go away, but I shake in hope that somehow I will find respite

I tell myself “let go, please, fucking let go.”

I want to let it out so bad but I cannot. I don’t know why. But inside,

My tears are kept.